Jordan's Country Crisp: Real Strawberries - The Supercilious Cereal

I'll indicate to you from the off, Jordan's Country Crisp: Real Strawberries is a fine tasty breakfast cereal.  It is one of those clustery devils: made from British wholegrain oats, chopped hazelnuts, coconut, crispy rice and, of course, strawberries.  I often eat it in the morning before I go to work, and I have been known to pour a bowl for lunch on a Sunday (it has that wholesome quality that I like on a lazy, content Sunday). Yet, I have so many - possibly irrational - hang-ups concerning it.  For one, I imagine guys like this would enjoy a bowl of Jordan's before going about, being assholes all day:

I found this photo by Googling "rich wankers."  From left to right: Toby, Dale, Findlay, Ollie and Sebastian.

I hope they're not from The Apprentice, or something. 

Anyway, these guys probably eat it before they go to the gym at 6 o'clock in the morning, to prepare them for their day of acting like an asshole and being smug, overachieving, self important wankers (except Dale, the fat one).  I think this is because it is somehow perceived as a healthy cereal, when it is actually quite the opposite.  An 100g serving alone contains ~453kcals, which suggests to me that I should probably stop eating entire boxes of the stuff in a single sitting; a whopping 2265kcal in a 500g box (shit, son).  My hypothesis is that this perception is purely based on the word "country" - like countryside - in the name of the cereal.

The country, or countryside, derives connotations of health, well-being and fresh air.  You want a healthy weekend?  You leave the city and go to the countryside, and do things that you do in the countryside, like cycling and walking.  You know?  Healthy stuff.  If the cereal was just called Jordan's Crisp, or Jordan's Strawberry Crisp, I don't think people - particularly rich wankers - would misconstrue it as the healthy choice. 

"You're doing it wrong" I hear people say.  The recommended portion size is 45g, which only equates to 252 kcals, a fine enough proportion of your daily allowance to have at breakfast.  I say to these people, "No, I never get it wrong when it comes to breakfast cereal.  Now get out of my motherfucking face before I break your neck."  People who portion their breakfast cereal in accordance with the recommended portion size are probably the worst type of wankers.  They are the Sith, and they do not truly love breakfast cereal.  At 45g per serving, you get just over 11 portions out of a regular 500g box.  I recently polished off a box in three servings across three mornings, and I was even a little disappointed with the size of the third bowl.  You want to spend some time to enjoy your breakfast cereal, and at 45g, you're only getting, what?  8 spoonfulls.  You make me sick.

However, this is the home of fair and well balanced reviews.  So, overall, does Jordan's Country Crisp step up to the mark.:

Taste

A great blend of cereals, with the stawberries adding that tanginess, to keep things interesting.  Plenty of strawberries too.  9/10

Milk Flavour

Really nothing to write home about here.  The strawberries flavour the milk a bit, but the strenth in flavour comes from the cereal itself.  5/10

Texture

Oh wow.  Never are they too crunchy, you can even eat the clusters straight out of the box, yet they don't go too soft once you add milk.  This is the cereals biggest strength.  10/10

Packaging

I feel the colour scheme works incredibly well.  Red and white are probably my favourite colours (COYR) and the black "Jordan's" logo is a touch of class.  I've just noticed that there is no apostrophe, however.  That's wrong.

Colour schemes aside, I'm going to have to mark this down due to the lack of variet in box sizes.  A 500g box isn't going to last any time at all in my cupboard.  Take note Mr. and Mrs. Jordan: BIGGER BOXES.  6/10

Relevance of Mascot

Not a mascot, as such, but there is clearly a large country manor on the box, consolidating my theory that this the breakfast choice of the rich, or at least the wannabe rich.  I call them the Wholegrain Riche.  It is relevent to the name of the cereal, but I don't see how the name is relevant to the cereal, other than the fact that cereal is farmed in the countryside.  That doesn't sit right with me.  2/10

Eat some Jordan's, pretend you live in a country manor.  You rich wankers.

Potential

I find you can mix JCC:RS with just about any other cereal.  Due to the weight of the clusters, they are best utilised as a base for a different, lighter cereal.  Try something like plain Rice Krispies on top.  Maybe a sprinkle of sugar.  9/10

Overall

A tasty cereal, but with a supercilious  air about it, it belongs in Sainsbury's bag in the boot of the Range Rover of a kept wife from Cults, or Conneticut if you're American.  Still, a pretty strong score, all things considered.

7.5/10