Froot Loops? More like... Foot Loops

First off, I would like to apologise to my peeps for starting a blog, posting thrice, and then not doing anything for ~6 weeks.  I can only offer my sincerest apologies, and I hope that you have managed to select the best breakfast cereal you possibly can.  You see, I have been really busy at work, and when I’m not at work I’ve been terribly busy doing stuff that isn’t work stuff (like going on dates with real girls with boobs, playing Football Manager and reading Game of Thrones… I was on holiday last week…  the Olympic Games were on too…). 

None of the above is interesting.

I have become paranoid about the quality of my article titles, and I’ll admit that’s not the best title for an article.  It’s innate, juvenile qualities may be endearing in a “randomlol” kind of way, but that’s really not what I’m going for.  Anyway, enough bollocks about my life away from the bowl.  Onwards and upwards (and stuff).

Froot Loops – not “Fruit” Loops – is a cereal that I have wanted to try for a long time.  I have always known they exist, but did not know one can actually buy them in supermarkets over here.  Therefore, I undoubtedly would not claim to be an expert on their ins and out.  I do have a few thoughts I’d like to share with you, but I'll get to that later. 

Let me paint the picture on how I came across them first.  I regularly shop at Sainsbury’s because – believe it or not – I have a job that allows me to never go to ASDA.  There’s something about their white and sterile green logo that has always put me off.  It makes me think of the smell of TCP, getting injections at the dentist and Michael Owen acting.  I just can’t enjoy food that I’ve bought there.  So picture the scene when I rock up to Sainsbury’s on a Sunday night, only to find it has closed, and I have NO CEREAL OR MILK FOR MY MONDAY MORNING BREAKFAST.  My palms become sweaty, my unwavering Sunday terror is turned on its head and I don’t know what to do.  I realised most of the nearby supermarkets and shops would also be closed at 20:15 on a Sunday.  Then I remember ASDA is open for 24 hours a day, for all the poor people, or something.  Now I have something of a conundrum: risk facing my Monday morning with a breakfast of toast, or defuse my perception of ASDA as some kind of giant methadone clinic (because of the logo).  It was truly a no-brainer. 

Michael Owen acting.

So I arrived at ASDA at around 20:30, to find a bustling hub of activity.  I realise I must be quick as the whole ordeal had fairly taken it out of me, so I enter the giant warehouse-type shop and head straight for the cereal aisle; I would get milk afterwards.   I have to be fast.  There are literally people everywhere.  Some of them are wearing their pyjamas.  I just need my cereal. 

Visualize my surprise when I finally find the aisle – nay, aisle and a half – of beautifully coloured cereal boxes.  This had to be twice the selection of Sainsbury’s.  They stocked all sorts of great stuff that you don’t see everywhere: Lion Bar Cereal (?!?), every type of Coco Pops derivative, Ricicles (which you honestly don’t see that often anymore) and then I saw them.  Froot Loops.  I noticed that they stock Fruit Loops, or rather: “Froot Loops”.  I become more confused.  Was this real?  I thought they were only sold in the United States?  Maybe I should just get some Bran Flakes and be gone.  Someone might notice me.  I’m locked in a stare down with the bird like mascot.  Is it a pelican, or a parrot.  Maybe just a made up type of bird?  How was he connected to it all?  How did I end up in ASDA? 

The cereal aisle at ASDA.  Or the Pearly Gates.  I confuse the two. 

In the end I went with a 350g box of Ricicles, a 450g bag of regular Alpen, some ASDA brand crunchy nut (for another article I’m working on) and of course, the previously fabled Fruit Loops.

I arrive back at my flat.  My flatmate is still there.  Should I tell him about the Froot Loops.  What if he becomes suspicious of me?  I literally don’t know what is real anymore.  I can’t remember if I’ve already had dinner.  I decide to wash my face and the back of my neck while staring at myself in the mirror and asking: “Why?” over and over.   

I decided to tuck straight into a bowl as soon as I got home, anxious to try them, and excited about writing a review on them.  I was seriously unimpressed.  Here’s my take.

Taste

I was excited by the prospect of a fruity cereal that doesn’t have actual bits of fruit in it.  They taste vaguely like fruit when you have them dry, but once you munch down on a bowl with milk, I didn't detect any kind of fruitiness.  They also have that "multigrain" tag, which really means "wedon'treallyknowwhatgrain."  Overall, a very plain taste.

2/10

Milk Flavour

Nothing.  I can't work with this.  A fruity shake, of sorts?  Not even.  Does nothing for the overall experience, unless you really like plain milk.  The taste of milk was probably the best thing about the whole experience, but I cannot credit it for that.

2/10

Texture

Nothing to write home about.  Retain their crunchiness quite well, but I'd prefer them a bit soggier once the milk is added.

4/10

Packaging

Eye catching.

A striking red box peppered with the vibrant colours of the loops.  Toucan Sam (so he's a toucan!) looks like a pretty cool kind of guy and adds a heap more colour.  Pretty nice, attention grabbing box.

8/10

Relevance of Mascot

I've looked into the mysterious bird mascot that was staring at me in ASDA and discovered that he is a Toucan called Toucan Sam.  His wikipedia page claims that he "exhibits the ability to smell out Froot Loops at great distances" which I though was hilariously eloquent.  His slogan used to be "Follow my nose!  It always knows!".  He was once voiced by the one and only Paul Frees, who we all know as the narrator from 1973's The Manchurian Candidate.

Trivia aside, I don't like this mascot.  Toucans have no direct connection to fruit, and as far as I know, birds don't even have a sense of smell.  It's all lies.

1/10

Potential

None culinary, some decorative I guess.  You could put them on a cake, but not as an edible decoration.  They would add nothing colour wise.

1/10

Overall

Sorry if this seems harsh; I know plenty of people who like Froot Loops, but I can honestly think of no redeemable qualities, aside from the lovely packaging (which isn't even that important).  I can't get on board with Froot Loops, they're not even fruity.  So aye, they taste like feet...  Foot Loops.  (lol)

2/10