Jordan's Country Crisp: Real Strawberries - The Supercilious Cereal

I'll indicate to you from the off, Jordan's Country Crisp: Real Strawberries is a fine tasty breakfast cereal.  It is one of those clustery devils: made from British wholegrain oats, chopped hazelnuts, coconut, crispy rice and, of course, strawberries.  I often eat it in the morning before I go to work, and I have been known to pour a bowl for lunch on a Sunday (it has that wholesome quality that I like on a lazy, content Sunday). Yet, I have so many - possibly irrational - hang-ups concerning it.  For one, I imagine guys like this would enjoy a bowl of Jordan's before going about, being assholes all day:

I found this photo by Googling "rich wankers."  From left to right: Toby, Dale, Findlay, Ollie and Sebastian.

I hope they're not from The Apprentice, or something. 

Anyway, these guys probably eat it before they go to the gym at 6 o'clock in the morning, to prepare them for their day of acting like an asshole and being smug, overachieving, self important wankers (except Dale, the fat one).  I think this is because it is somehow perceived as a healthy cereal, when it is actually quite the opposite.  An 100g serving alone contains ~453kcals, which suggests to me that I should probably stop eating entire boxes of the stuff in a single sitting; a whopping 2265kcal in a 500g box (shit, son).  My hypothesis is that this perception is purely based on the word "country" - like countryside - in the name of the cereal.

The country, or countryside, derives connotations of health, well-being and fresh air.  You want a healthy weekend?  You leave the city and go to the countryside, and do things that you do in the countryside, like cycling and walking.  You know?  Healthy stuff.  If the cereal was just called Jordan's Crisp, or Jordan's Strawberry Crisp, I don't think people - particularly rich wankers - would misconstrue it as the healthy choice. 

"You're doing it wrong" I hear people say.  The recommended portion size is 45g, which only equates to 252 kcals, a fine enough proportion of your daily allowance to have at breakfast.  I say to these people, "No, I never get it wrong when it comes to breakfast cereal.  Now get out of my motherfucking face before I break your neck."  People who portion their breakfast cereal in accordance with the recommended portion size are probably the worst type of wankers.  They are the Sith, and they do not truly love breakfast cereal.  At 45g per serving, you get just over 11 portions out of a regular 500g box.  I recently polished off a box in three servings across three mornings, and I was even a little disappointed with the size of the third bowl.  You want to spend some time to enjoy your breakfast cereal, and at 45g, you're only getting, what?  8 spoonfulls.  You make me sick.

However, this is the home of fair and well balanced reviews.  So, overall, does Jordan's Country Crisp step up to the mark.:

Taste

A great blend of cereals, with the stawberries adding that tanginess, to keep things interesting.  Plenty of strawberries too.  9/10

Milk Flavour

Really nothing to write home about here.  The strawberries flavour the milk a bit, but the strenth in flavour comes from the cereal itself.  5/10

Texture

Oh wow.  Never are they too crunchy, you can even eat the clusters straight out of the box, yet they don't go too soft once you add milk.  This is the cereals biggest strength.  10/10

Packaging

I feel the colour scheme works incredibly well.  Red and white are probably my favourite colours (COYR) and the black "Jordan's" logo is a touch of class.  I've just noticed that there is no apostrophe, however.  That's wrong.

Colour schemes aside, I'm going to have to mark this down due to the lack of variet in box sizes.  A 500g box isn't going to last any time at all in my cupboard.  Take note Mr. and Mrs. Jordan: BIGGER BOXES.  6/10

Relevance of Mascot

Not a mascot, as such, but there is clearly a large country manor on the box, consolidating my theory that this the breakfast choice of the rich, or at least the wannabe rich.  I call them the Wholegrain Riche.  It is relevent to the name of the cereal, but I don't see how the name is relevant to the cereal, other than the fact that cereal is farmed in the countryside.  That doesn't sit right with me.  2/10

Eat some Jordan's, pretend you live in a country manor.  You rich wankers.

Potential

I find you can mix JCC:RS with just about any other cereal.  Due to the weight of the clusters, they are best utilised as a base for a different, lighter cereal.  Try something like plain Rice Krispies on top.  Maybe a sprinkle of sugar.  9/10

Overall

A tasty cereal, but with a supercilious  air about it, it belongs in Sainsbury's bag in the boot of the Range Rover of a kept wife from Cults, or Conneticut if you're American.  Still, a pretty strong score, all things considered.

7.5/10

Nesquik Cereal - So, There's a Rabbit on the Front, and the Cereal Looks Like... Wait a Goddamn Minute!

Nesquik cereal looks identical to rabbit droppings. For this reason, I am sure many before me have questioned the decision by Nestle to release this cereal under the Nesquik brand; a brand that was made famous by their righteous milkshakes and jovial, anthropomorphic rabbit mascot. I mean, come on guys!  What were you thinking? The comparison could possibly be alleviated if they didn't have the poor guy on the front of the box, chowing down on a big ol' bowl of shit. He looks like he has some kind of insatiable, maddened hunger for the stuff. His pupils are massive and his tongue is lolling about like a fish out of water, which leads me to conclude that the little guy is on a bad acid trip that has culminated in him eating his own faeces.

No fear, Quiky.  We've all been there.  You can get through this.

 Perhaps there a possibility that it is all some kind of sick joke? Part of me thinks it has to be. The resemblance is uncanny. The guys at Nestle Cereals were dead stoned one day, like all cereal guys should be, and came up with this supposed marketing malfunction on purpose. It went something like this:

"Hey. H... h... hey, Mark! Mark! MARK!"

"Zzzohmyjesus!" Mark wakes up, startled. "What's going on, Cal? You scared the shit out of me. Why have you got your shirt off? And what's with the malice etched on your face?"

"I've got it, man! I've totally got it. Check out my prototype for the new Nesquik cereal. Chocolate corn balls." Cal pushes a bowl of Nesquik over to his colleague and starts hitting the team bong.

"Oh, alright, these look reasonable... I guess. But... wait a minute, dude. These look exactly like rabbit droppings."

Cal turns to face Mark, breathing out the pungent bong smoke. "Exactly."

However it came about, any sane person's first reaction to Nesquik cereal - besides "why is there no 'c'?" - is along the lines of "I see what you did there" (for want of a less pop-cultured phrase). This contemplation is frivolous, though, as the truth is: nobody will ever know what they were thinking.

Marketing aside, Nesquik has all the makings of a great cereal. Firstly, it has that whole crunchy rice and corn thing going on, plus the chocolateymilkness - which I generally love - but also, it is brand that has been in Europe since the 1950s. It debuted as an extension of Nestle Quik, an American brand of milkshake powder (in fact, the cereal itself was called Nestle Quik in the USA until 1999!). The brand's 1970s marketing drive even involved voice acting powerhouse, Barry Gordon - who you may know as the voice behind Donatello and Bebop in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles - as Quiky. It is one of Nestle's best-selling cereals and a household name, but - rabbit poo comparisons aside - it just don't sit right with me.

Taste: Although I am a huge fan of chocolate breakfast cereal, Nesquik cereal just doesn't taste chocolatey enough for my liking. Although it doesn't taste bad, I find it to have a weak flavour, particularly compared to Coco Pops and Coco Shreddies. 5/10

Milk Flavour: This is where Nesquik is strongest, which is unsurprising for a company that started out as, and still make, chocolate milkshakes. It improves the overall taste of the cereal, but is easily the stronger component of the cereal:milk equation. 9/10

Texture: I feel that Nequik could do a lot better here. While you don't want your cereal to get too soggy, you want it to soften up in the milk, for that lovely "soft on the inside with a crunchy core" thing Golden Nuggets have going on. However, I find Nesquik to be too crunchy, even at the end of a bowl. 4/10

Packaging: An array of colour: always the yellow box, with a brown Quiky to harmonise and a blue bowl/Nesquik logo to contrast (that's right, I did Art up to Secondary 2). I find the bright yellow box really sticks out on shelves. 9/10

Relevancy of Mascot: I feel I should give this a 0/10 as the relationship between mascot and cereal is rather flawed and disgusting, but since this is graded on relevancy of mascot, I can't really argue. 10/10

Potential: I have tried putting my Nesquik in the microwave to soften it up into a delectable hot chocolate with lumps, but I found it didn't work so well. It wasn't terrible, but the cereal goes kind of hard. Not crunchy, but hard. It is fine for mixing with most other cereals, particularly Alpen, Rice Krispies and Chocolate Weetabix. Nothing too revolutionary here though. 6/10

Overall: Despite the exact thing that should bring its mark down being the strongest mark under my reviewing system, Nesquik still scores fairly lowly. Perhaps I ought to rethink my system. Not the worst breakfast cereal, but certainly not the best. 6.5/10

Sorry, but Facebook. :(

I have a Facebook page here.  There's nothing on it, but it and the blog will be pretty and working in the next 24 hours. 

Please go and like it, and stuff.

http://www.facebook.com/?ref=logo#!/cofack

Golden Nuggets - Fool's Gold? NAu, That's for Pyrites.

I'm aware that this is a rather disappointing title for the first review on Confessions of a Cereal Killer, but I plan to work on that over time. I'd like to hope that the content of my articles will shine through though, and I hope you find this to be a fair and informative review of the breakfast cereal, Golden Nuggets.



The title of this article also avoids giving the reader an initial indication of what I think of the cereal. Rather, it merely acts to expose my evangelical zeal to create a pun, regardless of whether it makes sense. You see, the "Au" in "Nau" which is meant to sound like "Naw" - a Scottish colloquialism for "no" - is the symbol for the element gold. Pyrite (or, more specifically, iron pyrite) is the correct term for fool's gold and was intended to sound like "pirate" in this instance. But Klondike Pete has no time for pirates, no sir, he detests them. What he does have time for is providing one of the world's tastiest cereals.   

Golden Nuggets: They're Heeeee Haaaaaw

I was under the impression Golden Nuggets only came into existence in the 90s/early 00s, but it turns out they were a popular breakfast cereal in the 1970s.  There was a ~20 year gap of them being off the shelves however, and their reintroduction to the UK market in 1999 was backed by a wistful marketing campaign.  Like when Wispas came back and everyone was all: "oh man!  Wispas are back!" but then remembered that Wispas are just a rubbish version of the Aero.  EXCEPT GOLDEN NUGGETS ARE ACE. 



Taste: Golden Nuggets taste very good.  In a day and age where cereals have to watch out how much sugar they put in and their nutritional integrity, Golden Nuggets retain that classic honey cereal goodness.  9/10

Milk flavour: My favourite milk flavour around.  Tastes like a honey milkshake.  Delightful.  10/10

Texture: Initally a bit too crunchy for my liking, but once submerged in milk it only takes 30 seconds for them to lose that edge.  The texture is at an optimum around 4-6 minutes where you get that wonderful sensation of soft on the outside with a crunchy core.  Beyond that, you lose the crunchiness.  Watch out though as Golden Nuggets are notorious for containing heinous burnt sugar balls.  I don't know how they come about, but in every bag, you get at least one nugget that is darker in colour and harder than granite.  Not good for your teeth, but easily avoided with the correct precautions.  6/10

Packaging: I nice shade of blue contrasted with Klondike Pete's giant golden beard.  Pardner could arguably be more in the forefront.  You usually get puzzles and games for kids on the back too.  Bonus.  8/10

Relevancy of Mascot: Klondike Pete is a stereotypical 19th century Californian prospector, in search of gold.  Mules and Donkeys were heavily used as caravans for the prospectors during the Gold Rush.  Need I elaborate?  10/10

Potential: I must admit, I haven't experimented much with Golden Nuggets.  I have mixed them with the likes of Alpen, Dorset Cereal and Shreddies.  I've even put them on a bed of Shredded Wheat, however I find honey flavoured cereal to be better on its own.  Other cereals only take away from the greatness of Golden Nuggets, however.  Unfortunately I have to mark them down here.  5/10

Overall: 8/10

Unfortunately, Klondike Pete and the gang have been let down by the cereals lack of versatility and the danger of breaking your teeth.  Take these factors away and you're looking at one of the best breakfast cereals about. 

Mission Statement

I want to educate the people of Britain - and the world, if they'll listen - on the wide variety of breakfast cereals available to them.

I am a (self-proclaimed) “cereal pioneer” who invented such delights as the muesli toastie, and the concept of Coco Pops on a bed of Alpen. In my life I have always pushed the boundaries with breakfast cereals, whether it was deep-fried Bran Flake Balls, crushed Corn Flakes as a crust on mac ‘n’ cheese, or the aforementioned muesli toastie. I feel passionately about dispelling the misconceptions that breakfast cereal is a thing of simplicity (it is NOT just stuff from a box in a bowl with milk) and also that breakfast itself – despite the etymology of the word – is a meal that can only be enjoyed when one awakens from a long slumber, be that in the morning, early afternoon or otherwise (for instance, why not enjoy a breakfast cereal when you get home from work? or at half time in the football?). I want to use my views on breakfast cereal and the “bigger picture” to create an cereal blog/life commentary. But most of all, I want to provide good, honest reviews of the breakfast cereals that are on offer out there. I will do a weekly review on everything from timeless classics, like Weetabix, to whatever the current craze may be; named brands versus supermarket brands; and various other cerealy fun. I will rate each cereal on the following categories:

·Taste

·Milk Flavour

·Texture

·Packaging

·Relevancy of Mascot (if applicable)

·Potential

Each of these categories will be marked out of ten and weighted thus: Taste, 25%; Milk Flavour, 25%; Texture, 20%; Packaging, 7.5%; Relevancy of Mascot, 7.5%; Potential, 15%. These scores will be aggregated in order to give each cereal an overall score out of ten.

If you have any recommendations yourself, or you would like to hear my take on a particular brand, please feel free to get in touch on here, or by e-mail at iain.j.dallas.06@aberdeen.ac.uk .

Iain Dallas

The purpose of this blog is to review a selection of breakfast cereals in order to educate the people of this fair country on the selection of cereals available to them and open people up to the role breakfast cereal can play in their lives. I am a (self-proclaimed)

13/04/2012