To the Latent Coco Shreddies Thieves of Planet Earth

Anyone who knows me well, or have at any point woken me from a deep slumber, will be well versed with the terror that I go through every night in my sleep.  My night terrors can manifest themselves in various ways, be it acts of violence, incontinence or dehydrating night sweats.  Imagine my horror last night when I was roused by a horrifying dream of cereal robbery, and not just any old cereal; my favourite cereal ever. 

Coco Shreddies. 

I went to sleep last night, already fantasizing about my morning bowl – which surely led to such a horrific dream – and willing myself to get to sleep sooner in order to wake up to my favourite cereal (sort of like going to sleep on Christmas Eve, but way more exciting).  Anyway, the nightmare included a hooded figure breaking into my flat and raiding my kitchen.  I could smell the wretched sweat emanating from the vile bandit as they greedily rifled through my various foodstuffs - in search of my dear Coco Shreddies - knocking aside bags of pasta and various boxes of inferior cereals.  Finally, they got their hands on the desired box, which I will admit they must love as much as I.  As the robber gawked at the front of the box, voraciously licking their lips, I tumbled backwards over a box of unreturned video tapes, alerting them to my presence.  The last thing I remember before waking was the robber slowly looking up, exposing their true identity as Linda Kozlowski, co-star of 80s picture: Crocodile Dundee. 

The dream was quite horrific and after I abruptly awoke I immediately rushed through to my kitchen, admittedly hesitant from the fear that she was conspiring with Crocodile Dundee co-star – and real life husband – Paul Hogan, who may have planted traps to slow me down.  Finding my kitchen empty, I checked my cupboard anyway, and there they were: my Coco Shreddies.

The ordeal was somewhat overwhelming, which leads me to the point of this article.  I have written a poem that I plan to pin to my pantry door to ward off any would be cereal thieves.  It is called To the Latent Coco Shreddies Thieves of Planet Earth (be they 80s movies tars or other wise).  I hope you enjoy it.

Woe betide the one who would take
My Coco Shreddies before the fast I break.

Who’d steal away, from behind my back

My daybreak ritual; my morning snack

I have some money, so take it first.

I have some wine, it could quench your thirst?
But if I wake sans wheat and malt,
My desperation would be all your fault.

So you will be the one to decide

If the Shreddies Thieves you will preside.
What band of scallywags would raid and steal,
From my pantry shelves, my cereal. 

To the would be raider:

I tell you, I’ll punch
The teeth from your mouth
If you steal my munch
They will fall to the ground
In a perfect bunch
‘Cause Shreddies keep hunger
Locked up ‘til lunch