Lion Bar Cereal - The Lion Preserves its Pride

The Lion Bar is a chocolate bar that I’m sure you are all familiar with.  A medley of wafer, caramel and biscuit, with the gaps filled in by chocolate.  It was previously a product of Rowntrees, and used to be good, until Nestlé bought it and made it shitty and cheap tasting.  I’m not a standard bearer of the Rowntrees Army or anything, I actually like Nestlé products (although I’m sure they’re evil because they give poor people AIDS, or don’t pay their taxes, or something), I just remember a time when the Lion Bar was a powerhouse in the UK confectionary market.  The drop in the chocolate bar’s reputation came about after Nestlé bought it over.  That is all I am saying. 

No wonder it has taken me this long to finally pick up a box of Lion Bar Cereal then.  A once potent nemesis of candy bar stalwarts such as the Aero or the Double Decker – although it was never up there in popularity with your Snickers and Mars bars – trying to get its name and label back out there through the breakfast cereal market.  I’d like to say this has happened before, but I honestly cannot think of any other sweeties that have become breakfast cereals.  Can anyone help a cereal-brother out?  I digress.  So.  This perhaps seemed a bit desperate to me.  Moreover, because almost every type of breakfast cereal that works has already entered the market and habitually these new, wacky concepts are thoroughly shit (strawberry grahams, anyone?).  Tony the Tiger said, in his key-note speech at last year’s cereal AGM: “When desperation mantles a falling brand, they feel the need to innovate and elaborate; always looking forward, blinkered to what they already have and short-sighted to what lays in their future.  Indeed, the single greatest commodity known to man is the ability to stay calm and patient.  Why would one move forward into the dark crypts of uncertainty, when they already reside in paradise?  Of course, this is Man’s greatest weakness: the need to develop and grow no matter how big you have become.  This is more popularly known as greed.  This too is why Frosties is as successful a brand as it is: I am a tiger and will not be affixed by the greed that befalls mankind.”  Somewhat cryptic, I know, but I once felt the Lion Bar Lion could take heed of his feline contemporary’s words.  It is why, whenever people see Lion Bar cereal on the shelves, they ask themselves: “Why, Nestlé?  Why?”    As it turns out, I am glad I took a chance on them.

I forgot to set up a link in the preamble to include a picture, so here is a picture of the box.  A picture that inconventiantly reveals that it is actually called Lion Cereals and not Lion Bar Cereal, highlighting my laziness in that I could not be arsed going back and changing the name in my article, but conversely showing off my impressive ability to avoid mistakes when writing as I proof read nothing.  PROFESSIONALISM.

Taste

"Multigrain" (as in, wedon'treallyknowwhatgrain) bites; one part chocolate flavoured, one part caramel flavoured.  Its the caramel part that distinguish this cereal.  The two flavours compliment each other very well.  They don't recreate the taste of a Lion Bar, but I don't think they really aim to.  A finely concocted je ne sais pas.  Very sweet (which is good in a breakfast cereal in my eyes). 

8.5/10


Milk Flavour

This segment is becoming somewhat one dimensional.  I tend to favour cereals that yield a chocolatey milk, and indeed chocolate cereals in general, but this has a strong caramel note to it that adds something to the chocolatey loveliness.  

8/10

Texture

They score 4 on the DCSI, as a cereal of this nature should.  A fine crunchiness throughout, give this cereal extra points.  They are excellent as a snack, sans milk, also.  Nice crispy little biscuits.  Good texture.

9/10

Packaging

Brown and unappealing.  The lion's head makes tham stand out, but generally a fairly dour looking box.  The lion seems a bit out of place somehow.  Where the fuck is his body actually?  The more I look at that picture (above) the more it sort of freaks me out.  What a weird looking lion.  Again, a bit too small for my liking also.

3/10

Relevance of Mascot

A no brainer, it may seem, but what do chocolate and caramel have in common with a lion?  I guess lions are kind of caramel in colour, and their main is darker, kind of like the contrast between chocolate and caramel.  

7/10

Potential

The taste of a caramel doesn't go terribly well with most things, believe it or not.  I mixed it with some Golden Grahams at the end of the box (there wasn't enough left for a full bowl of cereal) and it really didn't work.  You can eat them on their own however, which is a bonus.

5/10.

Overall

A very pleasant surprise.  I was not expecting to like this cereal as much as I did, but it really works.  They've not tried to do anything too wacky and innovative and stuck to what works, and it really has.  Poor packaging lets it down, but still a good score overall.  

8.5/10

To the Latent Coco Shreddies Thieves of Planet Earth

Anyone who knows me well, or have at any point woken me from a deep slumber, will be well versed with the terror that I go through every night in my sleep.  My night terrors can manifest themselves in various ways, be it acts of violence, incontinence or dehydrating night sweats.  Imagine my horror last night when I was roused by a horrifying dream of cereal robbery, and not just any old cereal; my favourite cereal ever. 

Coco Shreddies. 

I went to sleep last night, already fantasizing about my morning bowl – which surely led to such a horrific dream – and willing myself to get to sleep sooner in order to wake up to my favourite cereal (sort of like going to sleep on Christmas Eve, but way more exciting).  Anyway, the nightmare included a hooded figure breaking into my flat and raiding my kitchen.  I could smell the wretched sweat emanating from the vile bandit as they greedily rifled through my various foodstuffs - in search of my dear Coco Shreddies - knocking aside bags of pasta and various boxes of inferior cereals.  Finally, they got their hands on the desired box, which I will admit they must love as much as I.  As the robber gawked at the front of the box, voraciously licking their lips, I tumbled backwards over a box of unreturned video tapes, alerting them to my presence.  The last thing I remember before waking was the robber slowly looking up, exposing their true identity as Linda Kozlowski, co-star of 80s picture: Crocodile Dundee. 

The dream was quite horrific and after I abruptly awoke I immediately rushed through to my kitchen, admittedly hesitant from the fear that she was conspiring with Crocodile Dundee co-star – and real life husband – Paul Hogan, who may have planted traps to slow me down.  Finding my kitchen empty, I checked my cupboard anyway, and there they were: my Coco Shreddies.

The ordeal was somewhat overwhelming, which leads me to the point of this article.  I have written a poem that I plan to pin to my pantry door to ward off any would be cereal thieves.  It is called To the Latent Coco Shreddies Thieves of Planet Earth (be they 80s movies tars or other wise).  I hope you enjoy it.

Woe betide the one who would take
My Coco Shreddies before the fast I break.

Who’d steal away, from behind my back

My daybreak ritual; my morning snack

I have some money, so take it first.

I have some wine, it could quench your thirst?
But if I wake sans wheat and malt,
My desperation would be all your fault.

So you will be the one to decide

If the Shreddies Thieves you will preside.
What band of scallywags would raid and steal,
From my pantry shelves, my cereal. 

To the would be raider:

I tell you, I’ll punch
The teeth from your mouth
If you steal my munch
They will fall to the ground
In a perfect bunch
‘Cause Shreddies keep hunger
Locked up ‘til lunch

Dallas' Cereal Structural Index

I keep making promises that I can’t keep.  Here is the content I said I’d put up two days ago.  Some more food (breakfast cereal, obvs) for thought. 

Over the coming months I will try and be more quantitative with my blogging.  While verbal descriptions are sufficient for most, I like to categorise things my number (I like to organise my sock drawer from 1-5, from left to right, 5 being wank socks and 1 being my favourite socks), which is how the DCSI was conceived.  I feel it may be incomplete, and that there may be grey areas within the categories, so please let me know if there are.  I welcome any suggestions. 

So, put simply: the DCSI is a descriptive index for categorising cereal textures.  Too often have I bought a granola or “muesli” that has been too hard for my liking, or a new brand of cereal that turns soft and mushy in under 3.5 minutes of milk contact.  It is a fairly rudimentary index, but I feel it will be useful all the same.  I can picture readers sitting down to their bowl of breakfast cereal and thinking “I reckon this is a 5”, much like I do these days. 

 

I had created an pretty table on excel, that was colour coded and everything, but I can't work out a way to put it up on here in a format that is visible (I can't enter it as a picture) therefore, I will simply list the categories in as organised a manner as I can manage in absence of a table.  Categories are numbered 1-7 and hold the following upshots:

 

1. Unyielding, remains hard until end of bowl.  Example: granola

 

2. Partly softens but contains unyielding ingredients.  Example: Dorset Cereal

 

3. Stay reasonably hard/crunchy but loses some structural integrity.  Example: Jordan's Country Crisp (The Supercilious Cereal).

 

4. Become soft but generally retain a hard core or considerable toughness.  Example: Golden Nuggets (Fools gold?) ***Level 4 also contains level 5s that are subject to the Cereal Killer Coating Hypothesis. 

 

5. Crunchy/tough at the beginning of bowl; soggy by the end.  Eat at normal pace.  Example: Shreddies

 

6. Becomes soft quickly.  Eat with haste.  Example: Weetabix. 

 

7. Breakfast cereals served hot and soggy.  Example: hot Weetabix/Porridge

 

So there we have it: DCSI.  I hope you find this a useful tool as you begin to realise the importance of texture on a breakfast cereal experience, and I hope to usefully utilise it in my future reviews (there are some on the way, I promise). 

The Cereal Killer Coating Hypothesis

I would like to introduce this hypothesis as a precursor to my upcoming Dallas’ Cereal Structural Index (hereon known as DCSI).  A simple hypothesis that one would utilise to explain the key structural differences between normal cereals and there coated alternatives.  For instance: Corn Flakes and Frosties, Shreddies and Coco/Frosted/Honey Shreddies, Rice Krispies and Ricicles.  You get the idea.

The hypothesis states that:

A cereal that is coated in sugar, chocolate – or otherwise – will retain its crunchiness and/or structural integrity longer than its uncoated counterpart.

I feel the finest breakfast cereals available are a coated twist on and old classic, and this is often because of the consequential effect of the coating on the cereal’s texture.  If you don’t believe me, pour yourself two bowls of cereal; one of plain Shreddies and one of Coco Shreddies.  Add equal amounts of milk, submerging the cereal, and leave for 5 minutes.  When you come back to them you will find a bowl of nigh on mush in the plain Shreddies bowl and a nicely softened, but still intact, bowl of Coco Shreddies.  This is also why I get upset when people say things like: “Hey, Dallas: why not just buy plain Shreddies and add your own sugar, instead of buying the more expensive Frosted Shreddies?”  Are you wrong in the head, mate?  It’s not the same thing, and it is all down to the Cereal Killer Coating Hypothesis. 

This idea will come into its own when I cover the DCSI in my next article.  Thanks for reading and I hope you find this helpful. 

Froot Loops? More like... Foot Loops

First off, I would like to apologise to my peeps for starting a blog, posting thrice, and then not doing anything for ~6 weeks.  I can only offer my sincerest apologies, and I hope that you have managed to select the best breakfast cereal you possibly can.  You see, I have been really busy at work, and when I’m not at work I’ve been terribly busy doing stuff that isn’t work stuff (like going on dates with real girls with boobs, playing Football Manager and reading Game of Thrones… I was on holiday last week…  the Olympic Games were on too…). 

None of the above is interesting.

I have become paranoid about the quality of my article titles, and I’ll admit that’s not the best title for an article.  It’s innate, juvenile qualities may be endearing in a “randomlol” kind of way, but that’s really not what I’m going for.  Anyway, enough bollocks about my life away from the bowl.  Onwards and upwards (and stuff).

Froot Loops – not “Fruit” Loops – is a cereal that I have wanted to try for a long time.  I have always known they exist, but did not know one can actually buy them in supermarkets over here.  Therefore, I undoubtedly would not claim to be an expert on their ins and out.  I do have a few thoughts I’d like to share with you, but I'll get to that later. 

Let me paint the picture on how I came across them first.  I regularly shop at Sainsbury’s because – believe it or not – I have a job that allows me to never go to ASDA.  There’s something about their white and sterile green logo that has always put me off.  It makes me think of the smell of TCP, getting injections at the dentist and Michael Owen acting.  I just can’t enjoy food that I’ve bought there.  So picture the scene when I rock up to Sainsbury’s on a Sunday night, only to find it has closed, and I have NO CEREAL OR MILK FOR MY MONDAY MORNING BREAKFAST.  My palms become sweaty, my unwavering Sunday terror is turned on its head and I don’t know what to do.  I realised most of the nearby supermarkets and shops would also be closed at 20:15 on a Sunday.  Then I remember ASDA is open for 24 hours a day, for all the poor people, or something.  Now I have something of a conundrum: risk facing my Monday morning with a breakfast of toast, or defuse my perception of ASDA as some kind of giant methadone clinic (because of the logo).  It was truly a no-brainer. 

Michael Owen acting.

So I arrived at ASDA at around 20:30, to find a bustling hub of activity.  I realise I must be quick as the whole ordeal had fairly taken it out of me, so I enter the giant warehouse-type shop and head straight for the cereal aisle; I would get milk afterwards.   I have to be fast.  There are literally people everywhere.  Some of them are wearing their pyjamas.  I just need my cereal. 

Visualize my surprise when I finally find the aisle – nay, aisle and a half – of beautifully coloured cereal boxes.  This had to be twice the selection of Sainsbury’s.  They stocked all sorts of great stuff that you don’t see everywhere: Lion Bar Cereal (?!?), every type of Coco Pops derivative, Ricicles (which you honestly don’t see that often anymore) and then I saw them.  Froot Loops.  I noticed that they stock Fruit Loops, or rather: “Froot Loops”.  I become more confused.  Was this real?  I thought they were only sold in the United States?  Maybe I should just get some Bran Flakes and be gone.  Someone might notice me.  I’m locked in a stare down with the bird like mascot.  Is it a pelican, or a parrot.  Maybe just a made up type of bird?  How was he connected to it all?  How did I end up in ASDA? 

The cereal aisle at ASDA.  Or the Pearly Gates.  I confuse the two. 

In the end I went with a 350g box of Ricicles, a 450g bag of regular Alpen, some ASDA brand crunchy nut (for another article I’m working on) and of course, the previously fabled Fruit Loops.

I arrive back at my flat.  My flatmate is still there.  Should I tell him about the Froot Loops.  What if he becomes suspicious of me?  I literally don’t know what is real anymore.  I can’t remember if I’ve already had dinner.  I decide to wash my face and the back of my neck while staring at myself in the mirror and asking: “Why?” over and over.   

I decided to tuck straight into a bowl as soon as I got home, anxious to try them, and excited about writing a review on them.  I was seriously unimpressed.  Here’s my take.

Taste

I was excited by the prospect of a fruity cereal that doesn’t have actual bits of fruit in it.  They taste vaguely like fruit when you have them dry, but once you munch down on a bowl with milk, I didn't detect any kind of fruitiness.  They also have that "multigrain" tag, which really means "wedon'treallyknowwhatgrain."  Overall, a very plain taste.

2/10

Milk Flavour

Nothing.  I can't work with this.  A fruity shake, of sorts?  Not even.  Does nothing for the overall experience, unless you really like plain milk.  The taste of milk was probably the best thing about the whole experience, but I cannot credit it for that.

2/10

Texture

Nothing to write home about.  Retain their crunchiness quite well, but I'd prefer them a bit soggier once the milk is added.

4/10

Packaging

Eye catching.

A striking red box peppered with the vibrant colours of the loops.  Toucan Sam (so he's a toucan!) looks like a pretty cool kind of guy and adds a heap more colour.  Pretty nice, attention grabbing box.

8/10

Relevance of Mascot

I've looked into the mysterious bird mascot that was staring at me in ASDA and discovered that he is a Toucan called Toucan Sam.  His wikipedia page claims that he "exhibits the ability to smell out Froot Loops at great distances" which I though was hilariously eloquent.  His slogan used to be "Follow my nose!  It always knows!".  He was once voiced by the one and only Paul Frees, who we all know as the narrator from 1973's The Manchurian Candidate.

Trivia aside, I don't like this mascot.  Toucans have no direct connection to fruit, and as far as I know, birds don't even have a sense of smell.  It's all lies.

1/10

Potential

None culinary, some decorative I guess.  You could put them on a cake, but not as an edible decoration.  They would add nothing colour wise.

1/10

Overall

Sorry if this seems harsh; I know plenty of people who like Froot Loops, but I can honestly think of no redeemable qualities, aside from the lovely packaging (which isn't even that important).  I can't get on board with Froot Loops, they're not even fruity.  So aye, they taste like feet...  Foot Loops.  (lol)

2/10

Jordan's Country Crisp: Real Strawberries - The Supercilious Cereal

I'll indicate to you from the off, Jordan's Country Crisp: Real Strawberries is a fine tasty breakfast cereal.  It is one of those clustery devils: made from British wholegrain oats, chopped hazelnuts, coconut, crispy rice and, of course, strawberries.  I often eat it in the morning before I go to work, and I have been known to pour a bowl for lunch on a Sunday (it has that wholesome quality that I like on a lazy, content Sunday). Yet, I have so many - possibly irrational - hang-ups concerning it.  For one, I imagine guys like this would enjoy a bowl of Jordan's before going about, being assholes all day:

I found this photo by Googling "rich wankers."  From left to right: Toby, Dale, Findlay, Ollie and Sebastian.

I hope they're not from The Apprentice, or something. 

Anyway, these guys probably eat it before they go to the gym at 6 o'clock in the morning, to prepare them for their day of acting like an asshole and being smug, overachieving, self important wankers (except Dale, the fat one).  I think this is because it is somehow perceived as a healthy cereal, when it is actually quite the opposite.  An 100g serving alone contains ~453kcals, which suggests to me that I should probably stop eating entire boxes of the stuff in a single sitting; a whopping 2265kcal in a 500g box (shit, son).  My hypothesis is that this perception is purely based on the word "country" - like countryside - in the name of the cereal.

The country, or countryside, derives connotations of health, well-being and fresh air.  You want a healthy weekend?  You leave the city and go to the countryside, and do things that you do in the countryside, like cycling and walking.  You know?  Healthy stuff.  If the cereal was just called Jordan's Crisp, or Jordan's Strawberry Crisp, I don't think people - particularly rich wankers - would misconstrue it as the healthy choice. 

"You're doing it wrong" I hear people say.  The recommended portion size is 45g, which only equates to 252 kcals, a fine enough proportion of your daily allowance to have at breakfast.  I say to these people, "No, I never get it wrong when it comes to breakfast cereal.  Now get out of my motherfucking face before I break your neck."  People who portion their breakfast cereal in accordance with the recommended portion size are probably the worst type of wankers.  They are the Sith, and they do not truly love breakfast cereal.  At 45g per serving, you get just over 11 portions out of a regular 500g box.  I recently polished off a box in three servings across three mornings, and I was even a little disappointed with the size of the third bowl.  You want to spend some time to enjoy your breakfast cereal, and at 45g, you're only getting, what?  8 spoonfulls.  You make me sick.

However, this is the home of fair and well balanced reviews.  So, overall, does Jordan's Country Crisp step up to the mark.:

Taste

A great blend of cereals, with the stawberries adding that tanginess, to keep things interesting.  Plenty of strawberries too.  9/10

Milk Flavour

Really nothing to write home about here.  The strawberries flavour the milk a bit, but the strenth in flavour comes from the cereal itself.  5/10

Texture

Oh wow.  Never are they too crunchy, you can even eat the clusters straight out of the box, yet they don't go too soft once you add milk.  This is the cereals biggest strength.  10/10

Packaging

I feel the colour scheme works incredibly well.  Red and white are probably my favourite colours (COYR) and the black "Jordan's" logo is a touch of class.  I've just noticed that there is no apostrophe, however.  That's wrong.

Colour schemes aside, I'm going to have to mark this down due to the lack of variet in box sizes.  A 500g box isn't going to last any time at all in my cupboard.  Take note Mr. and Mrs. Jordan: BIGGER BOXES.  6/10

Relevance of Mascot

Not a mascot, as such, but there is clearly a large country manor on the box, consolidating my theory that this the breakfast choice of the rich, or at least the wannabe rich.  I call them the Wholegrain Riche.  It is relevent to the name of the cereal, but I don't see how the name is relevant to the cereal, other than the fact that cereal is farmed in the countryside.  That doesn't sit right with me.  2/10

Eat some Jordan's, pretend you live in a country manor.  You rich wankers.

Potential

I find you can mix JCC:RS with just about any other cereal.  Due to the weight of the clusters, they are best utilised as a base for a different, lighter cereal.  Try something like plain Rice Krispies on top.  Maybe a sprinkle of sugar.  9/10

Overall

A tasty cereal, but with a supercilious  air about it, it belongs in Sainsbury's bag in the boot of the Range Rover of a kept wife from Cults, or Conneticut if you're American.  Still, a pretty strong score, all things considered.

7.5/10

Nesquik Cereal - So, There's a Rabbit on the Front, and the Cereal Looks Like... Wait a Goddamn Minute!

Nesquik cereal looks identical to rabbit droppings. For this reason, I am sure many before me have questioned the decision by Nestle to release this cereal under the Nesquik brand; a brand that was made famous by their righteous milkshakes and jovial, anthropomorphic rabbit mascot. I mean, come on guys!  What were you thinking? The comparison could possibly be alleviated if they didn't have the poor guy on the front of the box, chowing down on a big ol' bowl of shit. He looks like he has some kind of insatiable, maddened hunger for the stuff. His pupils are massive and his tongue is lolling about like a fish out of water, which leads me to conclude that the little guy is on a bad acid trip that has culminated in him eating his own faeces.

No fear, Quiky.  We've all been there.  You can get through this.

 Perhaps there a possibility that it is all some kind of sick joke? Part of me thinks it has to be. The resemblance is uncanny. The guys at Nestle Cereals were dead stoned one day, like all cereal guys should be, and came up with this supposed marketing malfunction on purpose. It went something like this:

"Hey. H... h... hey, Mark! Mark! MARK!"

"Zzzohmyjesus!" Mark wakes up, startled. "What's going on, Cal? You scared the shit out of me. Why have you got your shirt off? And what's with the malice etched on your face?"

"I've got it, man! I've totally got it. Check out my prototype for the new Nesquik cereal. Chocolate corn balls." Cal pushes a bowl of Nesquik over to his colleague and starts hitting the team bong.

"Oh, alright, these look reasonable... I guess. But... wait a minute, dude. These look exactly like rabbit droppings."

Cal turns to face Mark, breathing out the pungent bong smoke. "Exactly."

However it came about, any sane person's first reaction to Nesquik cereal - besides "why is there no 'c'?" - is along the lines of "I see what you did there" (for want of a less pop-cultured phrase). This contemplation is frivolous, though, as the truth is: nobody will ever know what they were thinking.

Marketing aside, Nesquik has all the makings of a great cereal. Firstly, it has that whole crunchy rice and corn thing going on, plus the chocolateymilkness - which I generally love - but also, it is brand that has been in Europe since the 1950s. It debuted as an extension of Nestle Quik, an American brand of milkshake powder (in fact, the cereal itself was called Nestle Quik in the USA until 1999!). The brand's 1970s marketing drive even involved voice acting powerhouse, Barry Gordon - who you may know as the voice behind Donatello and Bebop in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles - as Quiky. It is one of Nestle's best-selling cereals and a household name, but - rabbit poo comparisons aside - it just don't sit right with me.

Taste: Although I am a huge fan of chocolate breakfast cereal, Nesquik cereal just doesn't taste chocolatey enough for my liking. Although it doesn't taste bad, I find it to have a weak flavour, particularly compared to Coco Pops and Coco Shreddies. 5/10

Milk Flavour: This is where Nesquik is strongest, which is unsurprising for a company that started out as, and still make, chocolate milkshakes. It improves the overall taste of the cereal, but is easily the stronger component of the cereal:milk equation. 9/10

Texture: I feel that Nequik could do a lot better here. While you don't want your cereal to get too soggy, you want it to soften up in the milk, for that lovely "soft on the inside with a crunchy core" thing Golden Nuggets have going on. However, I find Nesquik to be too crunchy, even at the end of a bowl. 4/10

Packaging: An array of colour: always the yellow box, with a brown Quiky to harmonise and a blue bowl/Nesquik logo to contrast (that's right, I did Art up to Secondary 2). I find the bright yellow box really sticks out on shelves. 9/10

Relevancy of Mascot: I feel I should give this a 0/10 as the relationship between mascot and cereal is rather flawed and disgusting, but since this is graded on relevancy of mascot, I can't really argue. 10/10

Potential: I have tried putting my Nesquik in the microwave to soften it up into a delectable hot chocolate with lumps, but I found it didn't work so well. It wasn't terrible, but the cereal goes kind of hard. Not crunchy, but hard. It is fine for mixing with most other cereals, particularly Alpen, Rice Krispies and Chocolate Weetabix. Nothing too revolutionary here though. 6/10

Overall: Despite the exact thing that should bring its mark down being the strongest mark under my reviewing system, Nesquik still scores fairly lowly. Perhaps I ought to rethink my system. Not the worst breakfast cereal, but certainly not the best. 6.5/10

Sorry, but Facebook. :(

I have a Facebook page here.  There's nothing on it, but it and the blog will be pretty and working in the next 24 hours. 

Please go and like it, and stuff.

http://www.facebook.com/?ref=logo#!/cofack

Golden Nuggets - Fool's Gold? NAu, That's for Pyrites.

I'm aware that this is a rather disappointing title for the first review on Confessions of a Cereal Killer, but I plan to work on that over time. I'd like to hope that the content of my articles will shine through though, and I hope you find this to be a fair and informative review of the breakfast cereal, Golden Nuggets.



The title of this article also avoids giving the reader an initial indication of what I think of the cereal. Rather, it merely acts to expose my evangelical zeal to create a pun, regardless of whether it makes sense. You see, the "Au" in "Nau" which is meant to sound like "Naw" - a Scottish colloquialism for "no" - is the symbol for the element gold. Pyrite (or, more specifically, iron pyrite) is the correct term for fool's gold and was intended to sound like "pirate" in this instance. But Klondike Pete has no time for pirates, no sir, he detests them. What he does have time for is providing one of the world's tastiest cereals.   

Golden Nuggets: They're Heeeee Haaaaaw

I was under the impression Golden Nuggets only came into existence in the 90s/early 00s, but it turns out they were a popular breakfast cereal in the 1970s.  There was a ~20 year gap of them being off the shelves however, and their reintroduction to the UK market in 1999 was backed by a wistful marketing campaign.  Like when Wispas came back and everyone was all: "oh man!  Wispas are back!" but then remembered that Wispas are just a rubbish version of the Aero.  EXCEPT GOLDEN NUGGETS ARE ACE. 



Taste: Golden Nuggets taste very good.  In a day and age where cereals have to watch out how much sugar they put in and their nutritional integrity, Golden Nuggets retain that classic honey cereal goodness.  9/10

Milk flavour: My favourite milk flavour around.  Tastes like a honey milkshake.  Delightful.  10/10

Texture: Initally a bit too crunchy for my liking, but once submerged in milk it only takes 30 seconds for them to lose that edge.  The texture is at an optimum around 4-6 minutes where you get that wonderful sensation of soft on the outside with a crunchy core.  Beyond that, you lose the crunchiness.  Watch out though as Golden Nuggets are notorious for containing heinous burnt sugar balls.  I don't know how they come about, but in every bag, you get at least one nugget that is darker in colour and harder than granite.  Not good for your teeth, but easily avoided with the correct precautions.  6/10

Packaging: I nice shade of blue contrasted with Klondike Pete's giant golden beard.  Pardner could arguably be more in the forefront.  You usually get puzzles and games for kids on the back too.  Bonus.  8/10

Relevancy of Mascot: Klondike Pete is a stereotypical 19th century Californian prospector, in search of gold.  Mules and Donkeys were heavily used as caravans for the prospectors during the Gold Rush.  Need I elaborate?  10/10

Potential: I must admit, I haven't experimented much with Golden Nuggets.  I have mixed them with the likes of Alpen, Dorset Cereal and Shreddies.  I've even put them on a bed of Shredded Wheat, however I find honey flavoured cereal to be better on its own.  Other cereals only take away from the greatness of Golden Nuggets, however.  Unfortunately I have to mark them down here.  5/10

Overall: 8/10

Unfortunately, Klondike Pete and the gang have been let down by the cereals lack of versatility and the danger of breaking your teeth.  Take these factors away and you're looking at one of the best breakfast cereals about. 

Mission Statement

I want to educate the people of Britain - and the world, if they'll listen - on the wide variety of breakfast cereals available to them.

I am a (self-proclaimed) “cereal pioneer” who invented such delights as the muesli toastie, and the concept of Coco Pops on a bed of Alpen. In my life I have always pushed the boundaries with breakfast cereals, whether it was deep-fried Bran Flake Balls, crushed Corn Flakes as a crust on mac ‘n’ cheese, or the aforementioned muesli toastie. I feel passionately about dispelling the misconceptions that breakfast cereal is a thing of simplicity (it is NOT just stuff from a box in a bowl with milk) and also that breakfast itself – despite the etymology of the word – is a meal that can only be enjoyed when one awakens from a long slumber, be that in the morning, early afternoon or otherwise (for instance, why not enjoy a breakfast cereal when you get home from work? or at half time in the football?). I want to use my views on breakfast cereal and the “bigger picture” to create an cereal blog/life commentary. But most of all, I want to provide good, honest reviews of the breakfast cereals that are on offer out there. I will do a weekly review on everything from timeless classics, like Weetabix, to whatever the current craze may be; named brands versus supermarket brands; and various other cerealy fun. I will rate each cereal on the following categories:

·Taste

·Milk Flavour

·Texture

·Packaging

·Relevancy of Mascot (if applicable)

·Potential

Each of these categories will be marked out of ten and weighted thus: Taste, 25%; Milk Flavour, 25%; Texture, 20%; Packaging, 7.5%; Relevancy of Mascot, 7.5%; Potential, 15%. These scores will be aggregated in order to give each cereal an overall score out of ten.

If you have any recommendations yourself, or you would like to hear my take on a particular brand, please feel free to get in touch on here, or by e-mail at iain.j.dallas.06@aberdeen.ac.uk .

Iain Dallas

The purpose of this blog is to review a selection of breakfast cereals in order to educate the people of this fair country on the selection of cereals available to them and open people up to the role breakfast cereal can play in their lives. I am a (self-proclaimed)

13/04/2012